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  • Bob Hoffman


Basically, there are two types of men – Feckless Weasels and Smelly Hairballs. 

Your classic Feckless Weasel lives in Portland, drives a Subaru Outback, spends 80% of his time trying to please his shrill harridan of a wife, and wastes the other 20% “reasoning” with his horrid children (“Now, Joshie, remember we said in a restaurant we don’t put our feet in other peoples’ food...”)

The Smelly Hairball, on the other hand, has old banana peels in his golf bag, is at least three months behind in his alimony, has an expired driver’s license and is quite fond of the phrase “I said, SHUT THE FUCK UP!”

In the rich pageant of manhood there is, sadly, very little fertile ground between the Feckless Weasel and the Smelly Hairball. There is, however, one exception – Marketing Man.

Marketing Man is an imaginary character (or as we like to call him, a “target audience”) who exists mainly in marketing department briefing documents. Marketing Man is handsome and well-groomed. He is thoughtful and considerate. He is a close shaver. He coaches soccer and is concerned with his wife’s feelings. He is helpful in the kitchen and undemanding in the bedroom. He keeps his closet neat and his weenie in his pants. In other words, he’s a dork.

Marketing Man now has an online place all to himself where he can gather with other Marketing Men and have conversations about...oh, I don’t know...baking?

It’s a super-slick website called "Man of the House" sponsored by Procter & Gamble. It’s billed as “...a man’s guide to grooming, gadgets, fitness, relationships, clothes, parenting, careers & home repair.” In other words, everything that makes contemporary life such a pile of shit (couldn’t they put in a little something about weed, guitars, and strippers? Just a little?)

You are not going to believe this but I swear it’s true -- here are some of the things you can read this week at the Man Of The House website:

    • Tips for Surviving a Weekend at Disney   

• What Does Your Wife Want From You?   

• Four Reasons Not To Tuck Your Shirt In   

• How to Clean a Toilet in 30 Seconds Flat

And great tips on having a...

     • Family Pizza Party

​Hemingway is spinning.

Note: I just checked and “Man of the House” no longer exists. Apparently, nothing can survive a Weekend at Disney.

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